I can no longer sit idly by as this nation’s politics are domineered by outsiders, rogues, technocrats and ideologues. It is obviously clear what this great nation needs and I intend to provide it with my new third party as I humbly submit myself as a candidate for president of these United States.
My new audio-centric party, Americans Who Care About Nothing But Audio (in the great audio tradition of long and indecipherable acronyms) will lead this nation into the future by deciding all issues based solely on audio engineers’ opinions, as producers won’t even get a say anymore.
I will soundly defeat all opposing candidates in the debates with audio bullying and “sound shaming.” My bravado will diminish Donald Trump as I proclaim that he either sit down “or I will rock this FOH with 120 dB+ of 40 Hz until that hair-thing jumps off your head like water droplets dancing in a hot skillet.”
And so what if Hillary Clinton deleted e-mails? Do you people realize how many thousands of times I’ve erased worthy takes and icily said nothing but “one more time?”
Imagine the debates: “You, Senator, were Jensen Coaxials when I was Triaxials; you backed MiniDisc when I went DAT; you continued gating your snare reverb well into the 90’s…and you think you have a solution to ISIS?” I will embarrass opponents with bench tests: “You talk about education reform, yet your home theater system has nearly 10 percent THD; your ear buds don’t even output below 100 Hz; and you’ve blown the rear right speaker in your car—and didn’t even know it!”
The general election will be handily won in the classic tradition of false promises, inflated expectations and good ol’ espionage. No American could turn down my pledge of “a subwoofer is the right of each and every citizen…not only in your homes, but also in your cars!” (paste in loud applause here) “Once elected, I will not cease until all Americans can enjoy full-bandwidth streaming and giga-speed uploads, all provided for free by your patriotic ISPs!” (insert roar here)
Eleventh-hour revelations will finish off the opposing party for good, as it is revealed that my opponent listens to AM radio and is secretly forging a deal with the Chinese to import refurbished iPhone 3s to be hidden as NSA spy devices in Lyft mustaches, all billed to unsuspecting Americans via our indecipherable phone bills.
From here, my now-dictatorship will bring an era of unsurpassed audio quality to the US, kickstarting the global economy with massive audio infrastructure upgrades. Imagine a world where soundproofing is readily built into each home and business, with ample acoustical treatments to boot. My America will find underpowered systems now illegal, as adequate headroom will be a requirement and anything less than 20 Hz-20 kHz will likely result in a visit from a couple of men in black. There is an ugly side to progress as proponents of lossy compression and ridiculously high sample rates will both be persecuted and jailed. But all in all, my “audiocratic” governing style will ensure that no child gets left behind with outdated formats, as we lead our great country into the next frontier of surround sound in every living room, with ad-free streaming on every phone and phantom power for all.
At least follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/RobTavaglione